Stop this train

I can’t think of anything worse. This picture of Ben holding dad while he does his best to suck up one lung full of air, but he just can’t. The sound of him squeaking, choking. It’s scarier than the sound of uncle Tyrene’s driller made.

This watch! Why? Such an irony that I have a collection but I just can’t buy time. Dad!Wish I could stop time like the needles stop when you pluck the screw out.

Is your train about to reach its station or about to crash? But it has all of our lives tired on the track too, Dad. Are we limited to death? Oh, why oh why???

They’ve always asked me to look at the brighter side of things. No! There is nothing colorful side of this. No!

I know that this is the ultimate truth. One day, my time will come as well. But, I can’t imagine the thought of you lying on the wooden chest. The shade of your rested eyes can never kill this fire in my heart. But I know dad. This is real life hitting me hard. It’s not a 90 min drama screenplay.
I will, Dad, I will.

Dear God, I know I’ve always pleaded to you in my worst of days. Never have I bowed to you or accreted you when I had everything. I didn’t thank you when the awards hit my cabinet or for the platinum record. But I don’t want any of them now. I just want it all to stop, please Lord. What’s use of this guitar when the hands that gifted me my first were buried six feet under?
Please lord, Please.

I never signed up for this. I’m only 27 right now. Dad always insisted on me getting married. He always asked me to get settled. I still remember how I boasted about my concert schedule when he asked me to be stable. Sorry, Dad! Yes, I am moving too fast. But I don’t want any of this.

Dave and Ben might not have everything they want but they do have everything to be alive. Look at me. I’m weaning alone in my mansion. What worth is this money if it can’t buy happiness. This is too much. When they were singing you “Happy Birthday.” On your 55th birthday, I was hitting my guitar in some foreign lands screaming some lyrics I don’t mean in front of some foreign people I have no idea about. What have I done Lord!

What if Ma goes away like you will. And Dave and Ben and Cherry. What will I do? Searching for love in someones supple skin? Warm my heart by rubbing with a stranger under a blanket? I too will become ash someday. With every spin of the globe comes everyones time. I too will die alone.

Dear Lord, please don’t do this. Take everything and unwind time. Let days be nights and nights be days. But make be 6 again. Please.

I think I’m getting a grasp of this. This time, may be an illusion but change and death is not. I will get old not of time but of change. I will die not of time but of death, My skin will get wrinkles not my time but of my age. But its all so scary. How am I supposed to react like my own age when it’s the first time I have been in my age. How am I supposed to live my age? Numbers that define me increase every year, where I lie to start again but that’s all crap.

I still remember when I freaked out about celebrating my last birthday. I knew that you knew that I panicked not of my recording sessions but of my increasing age. I still remember the talk on the phone that night

I think you were consoling yourself rather than me because you saw all of it. All of the good and the bad. Even the worst. But you never felt best. We never thanked you for all that you’ve given us. We never thought how you forgave us all the time. How you never questioned out trust. I’m sorry dad. I’ll do my best to keep you happy Dad. The end is near but it is not here yet. We might have some intricate time but I promise to stay with you when it’s all over. Because Dad

And I’ll stay there, holding your hands, but you’re already gone. I’ll try to hold the tears that are already falling. I’ll clench my fist to hold time but it won’t. I’ll try to think of all the runs and chases we had. How you came to my first show. I’ll search for my Dad in that body, but I won’t find any. But you’re not dead Dad. You’re still alive. In all of us. In all of our hearts and mind. I know. Because we share the same heart. I am a part of you. You shared my first cry.

And I’ll go back home.