Love of My Life, a Letter for You

Love of my life,

I hope it makes you happy to know that you destroyed me completely. I thought I would get over you before the fourth sunrise but I’ve been wailing – the love that popped in my head due to my own assumptions. I am frustrated because I don’t feel confident enough to face the world. The fierce, I used to be, has dismissed and resigned the day I chose to hold your fingers and take a walk. I love you. I am so madly in love with you. I am so madly in love with everything about you. I swear to the uncountable stars, I have never seen anything more beautiful than your eyes. Your hugs were the most comfortable warmth. Even for the few seconds where you actually called me yours; they were just out of vocabulary to explain. You’re such a fine man. I can go days staring at you. I can go centuries explaining how much I need you to be part of my life.

Manifestly, I have been fighting with myself for months now. The monster, the two-headed dragon is winning and I have been losing so badly that I am helpless like a fish without water. I have this continuous feeling of running out of this beautiful skin I got as a gift. You make me hate myself for not being good enough. You make me jealous about every woman that walks past me. You make me insecure about every woman who is loved and isn’t taken for granted. I have been breaking so badly, slipping from such height that even when my arms call out for help it just disappears into the silence. The darkness is taking over me, darling. And the only thing I want is for you to pull me out. I want to be loved, just a little payment for the huge universe size of love I have for you. Just a little would work to calm the tornado that hits my brain cells every now and then.You step up to my door and knock without even a line of regret. You don’t seem to care or you don’t seem to see anything beyond yourself – you’ve been a crossword puzzle for me. You knock and I let you in, knowing the facade you bring alongside.

I love you more than you love yourself. Mr. Narcissist, it was so nice to meet you. I bid goodbyes a thousand times, yet I run back to you with the whisk of wind. I want you to hold me tight, baby. I am just in need of your love. I would be so fine that I would dine with you. But my demons are crawling in all the nerves that connect to my brain. Honestly, I need a hand to pull me out cause this wild running mind is conflicting. Several times in a day, I have this urge to scream out your name, search you in every man that walks by and beg you to understand. Foolish of me, you are so busy in the maze of your own love that my feelings merely matter to you.

You make anger roll up my spine. The ball of anger collides in my head and I can sense the heat burning in me. I am broken into a mess and chaos is lifting in me. Where will I go and be fluent in it? The entire world irritates me – the phone ringing, the kids singing, the blabbering – everything. With a smile plastered, I stand, but inside I am the land that has never seen water drops in years.

This morning, I was so happy. I actually realized the sadness I had been feeling for months now. You know why? Cause the day I met you, I handed the grip of my life in your hands. I let you guide me and that was when I lost the “do or die girl” I had in me. I shared I was happy today and you laughed it off. I said I needed your support and you broke away. Yet, you questioned me if I had been loyal. You dared to ask if I had ever worried about you. Your questions just stunned me.

But. Hey, I love you. With same passion and madness.