Ode to UNWANTED Feelings

“Good morning,” I said to myself.

I woke up with a whole lot of emotions; feelings all cramped up. I was a bit contemplative, quite a bit in rush, somewhat pained, may be in indignation. With each passing hour, I could feel my jar of sentiment being stuffed.

I was angry.

I was confused.

I was in stress.

I was ready to burst open.

I was in tears. (I didn’t show it. But I was crying.)

“Good afternoon,” the clock greeted me.

Suddenly, I was blank. I had no feelings, still, I had them. I couldn’t recognize the emotions I was going through. So many emotions mingled together, I couldn’t figure out what I was actually feeling.

“Did I want to express?” or “Did I want silence?”

A part of me wanted to be reflective and find an answer. Another part, also within me, was reluctant to put my heart and mind on it.

I wasn’t able to crack myself. I tried to solve the riddle but I was stuck.

“Oh! No.”

Not actually stuck. I think I was swinging. I was jumping from one emotion to another. I was sort of lost inside myself.

“Good evening,” the sun with its dim yellowish rays welcomed me.

With its dimness, I tried to calm my thoughts. I was unraveled. I tried to give myself vague justifications about life – that every day isn’t perfect and I don’t have control over my feelings. Then, I questioned myself, “Why do I need explanations and justifications?”

Whatever explanation I had, would be just temporary. Another day or another moment, I would feel something different or may be the same but with a different reason.

Isn’t it good to just be mindful; mindful of what I am feeling? Or what I am going through?

Unexpectedly, I thought about a few days back, when I had been feeling little introspective and was happily having a conversation with my 99- year-old self.

She was saying,

“Thank you, as you

gave me reasons to smile.

You waited for when you needed time

You kept your emotions sublime.

Time is what you have used so well,

as it didn’t always have jingle bells.

Thank you, for being quiet

when they were expecting you to burst out and fight.

Thank you once again, for the happiness

I feel young and beautiful even with this wrinkled face.”

Yes, how easily feelings do change.

Here, it’s the time to say “Good Night” and I am feeling quite expressive.

After all, this roller coaster ride of feelings is what makes me human. Yes, a human being. No matter how unwelcome, they definitely find a space within me. So, let me be true to myself and say,

“Hello, everyone I had a bad day today.”