with an enduring love,
Right now, I am not being able to sleep. I can feel my belly churning. It seems like my ovary is high today(haha). The pimples on my face are giving me some extra pain, actually, the one that has popped just right on my left cheekbone is the one troubling the most.
“No, not because of its size but because it is the place where my glass frame holds on. Thus, each time my glass teases it, it makes a deep cry.”
I would have endured these physical pain but I am slowly draining down mentally and emotionally and that is affecting me the most. I can see me slowly changing, not as someone who is high on life but as someone who is there leaving every part of her joyful self.
Why is this time being so cruel?
I had never ever felt ‘Love’ so strong for anyone else in my life. I ask myself the reason for it but I don’t find any answer to it. And interestingly, I am happy that I don’t have any reason to love you. Otherwise how selfish I would have been and how impure my love would have been.
But, look, at this trajectory of life.
Look, at this stupid universe.
It seems like it’s trying to test my love for you. It’s contaminating me with an impure heart where hatred is slowly taking its grip. My own heart has now started to haunt me. And I question, how can I surpass purity in my love when I am impure myself?
Just some days back it made me realize how precious you are to me. How much I value your presence and what I can do to be with you. And look, now it’s testing my endurance. I think this universe is trying to assess every ounce of my love by making me weak emotionally. It’s burning me out with every passing day and every minute I find myself surrendering in this darkness.
In this pretext, I feel like this universe is assessing if I can endure my love for you even when I am vulnerable. It’s trying to test how I can continue loving you when every ounce of my blood emits hatred for everything that is in this mankind; for life, for the place I am living, the station I am working, the sketches that I have colored, the books that I have always loved, the part of me that I have had always adored. I am hating everything right now.
I am loathing this feeling so, so much.
But, amazingly, right at this moment when I am hating everything around me, even those things that I loved the most, there is only one feeling that I am loving. And that is my love for you. Actually, I am not surprised because loving you is the best thing that has ever happened to me. I am realizing, even when I feel contaminated, there is something so pure in me that I can cherish. And that is my love for you.
I know scenarios are changing. With this, I am changing too. Slowly, I am turning into a vacuum where I wouldn’t be surprised if I didn’t find anything to be happy about. My demonic mind may order this empty avenging heart to stop pumping blood. It will ask my lungs to stop focusing on my breath. But I feel what I would endure is my everlasting love for you.
My heart will always find a space for you. My breath will always remember the ‘odd and even number counting’ that you made it while inhaling and exhaling it and keep on doing its job. My body will urge me to end this pain as soon as possible but my hands before cutting these veins carrying the blood of life will always remember how much it had loved embracing you.
There may be times, I may not be able to endure any other animate or inanimate being, but what I will keep enduring is my love for you. I believe that I get through every test that this universe takes when it comes to you.
I love you and will keep loving you.