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I am Still Living Those Dreams: For a Relationship Like No Other: She told me, “You won’t understand my feelings unless you part ways with someone who loved you more than everything in their life.” “And suddenly they ask you to leave without any reason. You are getting punished for the mistakes you have never committed,” she added.

I knew her boyfriend broke up with her just last Friday and she does not even have sufficient reasons to get over it. Relationships are quite complicated, sometimes you need a reason to love a person, later you start finding reasons to forget them. Sometimes you have no idea how to start, later you start looking for its ending. Similar series of events had happened in Natasha’s life. And I had no idea how to even console her. I just wanted to make her feel comfortable, which seemed quite tough then.

She starting saying again,”Can you believe Promisha, he broke up with me because I wouldn’t make a good daughter-in-law for his mom and dad, and his dad kept advising him to do break up with me.”

I had no idea about any of these things but I wanted to make her understand. I wanted to say, “Yeah! They are right. According to our Nepalese society, you can never be a good daughter-in-law if you come from some other caste or if you believe in some other religion. Most of the relationships end up due to one of these stupid reasons. Not only your relationship, the whole country, or even better to say, the whole world believes in these things. The reason behind every war is this system which really has no meaning. So not only you, half the world is punished for being a woman. They pay a price for crimes they never commit.”

I tried to make her smile again but she was in tears.

I was confused. I decided to sing with the rhythm of her heart. I asked,”Would you like to hear a story? It’s about my beloved, who never told me he was leaving.” She nodded.

While counseling my clients in Mahottari, I learned that the counselor alone cannot make a depressed soul feel better. Let them read sad stories and hear sad songs for they are the only panacea for that very instance. Later their feelings can be remedied with positive thoughts.

I started.

No relationship is over until two souls are completely detached. Maybe your partner is not visible to you, maybe you are not able to touch him, maybe you are not able to hear his voice through your ears but when it comes to your soul, you start feeling their existence, believing they are, not for everyone but just for you. Their absence is more than others’ presence in your life. When you are alone, you start living with them in your virtual world.

I don’t have any idea, how I’m supposed to judge myself. Am I unlucky because we parted so early, or lucky because we shared some moments of our lives together? We shared our feelings, our dreams, our interests and moreover some beautiful times together. We cared and loved each other. And this is what a perfect relationship needs.

I don’t know, how my pen feels but I always feel the same energy in my body when I start writing about him. My mind is always ready with words to explain him. He was the one, whose hands were ready to welcome me in this new world. When the doctors handed me to his hands, he smiled and named me Pooja, which means worship. He used to tell me that I am his princess or some angel to him, I am his worship.  He really meant that.

His words are still alive in my mind. As I was the first child in my family, I grew up with lots of love. Later, due to his job, dad left home and visited us twice or thrice a year. While he came, he brought a lot of gifts for me. But the best gift for me was his lap where I could sleep safely, with no worries. Once my grandma organized a Ramarcha Pooja at home. Dad brought a beautiful white colored fairy-like dress for me. I was happy wearing that. I was feeling like a Fairy. The day was good. Everyone was busy managing the event. I too was waiting to eat the prasad. Actually, I was not interested in pooja… I was interested in the fruits, so-called Prasad, which was kept in front of Krishna’s idol. I couldn’t resist so I insisted dad to bring some prasad for me. He tried to convince me but I told him that if he really loved me then he must get some for me, otherwise, I wouldn’t believe that he truly loved me. Without wasting any time, he went there and brought some for me. I was happy and started eating. Mom came near us, and she started to scold us. I was enjoying the fruits so mom’s word didn’t matter to me. When mom’s scolding was over, dad told her, “Maybe that idol has some meaning to you, you regularly worship it, but I worship the one whom you conceived and gave me as a baby girl after nine months, so I stole some fruits from your god to my worship, I am sorry for that.” I could not get those words then but I understand it now. I made him prove how much he loved me.

One day some kind of letter addressed to him was delivered at our home. The letter was from his office and he was supposed to be there tomorrow. Mom packed his bags, to reach tomorrow he had to leave the same day, and it was the day of Shivaratri. I remember feeling bad because we had planned to visit Jaleswornath Temple, and it had to be canceled. I asked dad, “Please be here now, you can go tomorrow.” But he made me understand this time,”All the things in this world are not supposed to be as you plan, sometimes you need to accept how the life comes to you. ” I nodded. He asked me, “Can my pooja handle her mom and brothers when I am not here. Is she a brave girl?”

I still don’t know if it was him or the time was asking me to, and making me understand about something that was going to happen in the near future. I promised him that I’d be a brave girl and a good daughter to him, and mom as well. He wished me goodbye waving his hands. I did the same.

I took my examinations and passed it. Now I was going to be a student of 4th grade. I was waiting for dad with my good report card. “He will be here in a week,” grandpa informed us. All of us were waiting for him. Next day we received two postcards from the postman. It was dad who had sent it to us. One was for my brother Adarsh wishing him his belated birthday, and the next was for all of us wishing “Happy new year-2057.” I still have it in my diary.

Finally, the day came. We were prepared for his arrival. Mom was cooking some special dishes for him. Grandma was making some designs on a handkerchief with some colorful threads. One of our neighboring uncles came and he asked where grandpa was. Grandma answered that he was outside. Mom asked him for tea but he refused, he was sad and hurried at the same time. He again asked for grandpa but grandma answered the same again.

He looked outside and then his eyes caught grandpa and ran towards him. He started to say something, but his tears were faster than words. He couldn’t say it. He burst into tears. After a minute mom and grandma were there too. Finally, he put it into words “Your son is no more.” Again he burst into tears. My mom could not handle herself, it was quite difficult for her to believe that for whom she is cooking is not coming back ever. She fainted. Grandma and grandpa too burst into tears. Our neighbors came to console my family but it was tough. They entered the kitchen and turned off the gas. I could not understand what was going on and why this sort of sudden drama had started. I got it only on the next day when I saw him lying on a bed decorated beautifully with flowers. I wanted to talk to him. I wanted to be with him there in his lap. But none allowed me. One of my uncles stopped me when I touched my father to wake him up. He caught me in his lap. I wanted to be out of his lap and to be in my hero’s lap where I belong. I wanted to make my uncle know that I was not comfortable there. I was trying to talk to my hero, and make him happy with my 3rd-grade report cards.

My neighbor came and broke the bangles of my mother. Since then she has never worn any bangles. My mom and grandma kept crying for days. Relatives visited us to console. Everyone came but my hero never came back. My eyes and my report card kept waiting for him. For years I waited for him. After years I understood that he is dead and the people who are dead never come back. I didn’t have any idea, but I remember I had promised him to be a good daughter to Mom as well as a brave girl. I knew his dreams so I started living with them.

Although he is not alive for the world but when I close my eyes I still feel his love. I was a part of the relationship so I still keep writing about him and our love. Our relationship gets a meaning when we are able to keep it alive, whether the other person is present or absent. Their presence or absence accumulates some energy in us and it’s totally up to us on how we utilize it.

“I chose this way now it’s your turn dear,” I said

And finally, she smiled. I saw the accumulating hopes in her eyes.

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